Every now and again, I get told that statement, or some variation of it. A person or family feels estranged, disconnected, and/or simply doesn’t know anyone at the church. And I totally understand! When you’re the new face in the small(ish) church, everyone is greeting you and introducing themselves. But as weeks go by, and perhaps you become a member even, the greetings slow down or even come to a halt altogether.
Maybe, depending on when you come to the church in the calendar year, you may not be aware of opportunities to connect and/or grow, and so weeks go by without a “hello.” While I’m confident that our church is one of the most friendly and intentional ones out there, that still does not negate your feelings and experiences if you are feeling disconnected. And it does not excuse our church if we have completely dropped the ball on you.
So here is my aim. I hope in this blog to give anyone who feels disconnected, or who is desiring more connections within the local church, some tips and advice in order to fix the problem. My hope is also that I do not come off as “victim blaming” either. I don’t want to point the finger at you and go “this is all your fault!” But, I do hope to show you the responsibility and part that you have in making those connections in the church family. Additionally, I want you to get connected with other people, and maybe you’re not aware of the tools and resources at your disposal to make those connections. Basically, I want to help you out!
I’m going to end the blog with this exact paragraph, but I want to also place it here at the beginning. The bottom line is this. As your Discipleship Pastor, I love you and desire to see you grow and flourish in Christlikeness. I may not be able to be your closest friend, but I can help you find someone who can. So let us partner together and deepen our connection to the church and God.
Okay, so here we go:
Take Initiative
Regardless of where you fall in your relationship to the church (newcomer, member, etc…) a lack of connections to others is a valid situation you might find yourself in. Now, should people be outgoing and friendly to others around them? Yes absolutely, and I’m sorry people may not be as friendly to you anymore as they should be or have been.
But, here is what I want you to do. Take initiative. You go and introduce yourself to someone. You greet the person next to you in your row. You move and sit with some people you want to get to know. I know that’s an introvert’s worst nightmare, but I promise you it will begin to solve your problems! Even just being direct and open with someone saying, “Hi, my name is… and I’m looking to meet some more people in the church, is it cool if I sit with you?” goes a long way.
I hope people are coming up to you and engaging in conversation with you. I hope people are inviting you out for lunch after service. But if they are not, then you should take the initiative!
I remember attending my old church in Ohio and even after four months of attending, I never got introduced to a certain family that seemed like great people to know. Finally, I just walked up and said, “Hey I’m Nate. I’ve been here for a while now, and I’ll be honest, you seem like a great family to be around. Is it cool if I sit next to y’all in service?” From that initiative sparked a great friendship with this family, all because I didn’t wait for them to come to me.
Even here at NBCC, there’s been people I’ve wanted to get to know on a deeper level but haven’t been able to. And usually (and I recognize the nature of my personality and job), I just own it and say, “Hey I’m sorry I haven’t been able to connect with you real well. But you seem like a cool guy, want to grab lunch sometime?!” Works every time.
Don’t wait for someone to come to you. You have the power to also go and introduce yourself!
Evaluate Your Involvement
Now, here is where I almost always find the problem, and here is where I always turn to when discussing this issue of disconnectedness with people in the church.
How involved are you in the church? Are you plugged into a community group or Sunday School class? Do you come to our fellowship meals? Or, do you only attend Sunday morning, and jet out afterwards? Maybe you are plugged into these outlets and still feel disconnected, if that’s the case, then I encourage you to reach out to your leader or teacher for more ways to connect!
But, if you aren’t plugged into something beyond Sunday service, therein lies the solution. Put bluntly, if you only attend Sunday service, and nothing else, your ability to make deep, lasting connections is severely hindered.
Again, let me give you a story to elaborate. I sat across from someone at dinner once telling me they don’t have any good relationships at the church. While I apologized that the church hasn’t taken initiative in getting to know them more, I followed up with “so what ways are you plugged into NBCC?” The answer was “We come on Sundays, but that’s about it. Maybe we stay for an after service event sometimes.”
Boom, there’s our solution! I encouraged him that if he wants to make more connections here, then he’s got to attend something more than just Sunday worship. “No wonder people aren’t connected with you, you stay for an hour of worship, and jet out immediately afterwards!” And, only because I have a great relationship with him, “You sit in the same spot every week and never get up to say hi to anyone! Of course you feel disconnected!”
Thankfully, my friend implemented change after that talk. And guess what happened? I got to watch this family branch out, greet people, and now they’re extremely connected within our church. Perhaps even more so than I may be!
So, here’s the inventory I want you to take. Who did I initiate conversation with today? No one. What other thing am I attending at church? Nothing. When do I arrive/leave service? Immediately before and after.
See the issue?
Again, my encouragement is this. Your connections to other families in the church is directly tied to your level of involvement. Evaluate your involvement and see what else you can plug into to meet people, and I promise you, things will change.
What Should I Join?
It wouldn’t be much help if I didn’t offer some practical outlets for connections. So again, let me ask you: Do you feel disconnected? Do you want to make connections and have relationships with people at NBCC?
Then you need to join something from this list: community groups, fellowship meals, discipleship classes, and (at the time of this writing) Family Camp.
When you plug into one of these outlets, people will get to know you. You’ll have a great opportunity to do life alongside other families and to grow your relationships with them. Come gather with us on Wednesday evenings and you get to eat a meal with people and hop into a class. Join a community group and get into the home of some great families! And (again, at the time of this writing) Aug. 31-Sept 1 is our Family Camp. I can think of no better event than this to meet people and get connected with one another!
With Family Camp specifically, last year we had three brand new families (only been at our church for two weeks) attend. Yet, because they came to this event and met people, each of these families are members in our church with deep connections now!
And I want that for you!
Let me end with this. If you feel lonely or disconnected in our church. I am deeply sorry. I want to see you develop godly friendships. I want to see you grow alongside us. I’m sorry you may feel like you have “slipped through the cracks.”
But, I also know that we have created numerous outlets and opportunities for you to develop relationships. Classes, groups, men’s events, women’s events, etc… are all at your fingertips to meet people. Know too that you have within you the ability to change your situation. Go meet someone at the church this coming weekend. Sit somewhere new in the auditorium. Ask an elder or deacon for assistance in meeting someone new.
As I stated at the beginning of this blog: The bottom line is this. As your Discipleship Pastor, I love you and desire to see you grow and flourish in Christlikeness. I may not be able to be your closest friend, but I can help you find someone who can. So let us partner together and deepen our connection to the church and God.
North Bullitt Christian Church 