When we think of the sin of selfishness our minds go to the mentality of “I do what I want, how I want it, when I want it.” And while, yes, that is what selfishness is primarily, I have recently come across a different form of this sin that is talked about much less.
It came to my attention while reading the book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. In the chapter titled “Selfishness” Bridges asks us an interesting question with regards to being selfish. “A student asks her roommate for help with an assignment, but the roommate is busy studying for an exam. Will she give up precious time to help her roommate, or will she guard it for herself? Or will she take time to help but do so in a reluctant manner?” Bridges continues, “What about the first student? Is she acting selfishly to ask her roommate for help when she knows the roommate is busy studying for the exam? WE can be selfish by inordinately guarding our time, and we can also be selfish in unduly imposing on another person’s time” (pg. 104, emphasis added).
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on who is being selfish (if any) in that example. But regardless, it got me thinking along the lines of this: neediness. In this example, in my opinion, I believe the first student is being selfish through neediness. She sees her roommate frantically studying for an exam, yet she deliberately chooses to ask her to give up the exam studying in order to help with her own assignment. We would call this needy. The first girl can easily study on her own (we could assume, at least), but feels like she needs someone else’s help. Does she go to a friend or family member? No, she chooses the person right in front of her (because it’s easier, she’s right next to her in her dorm room after all).
Now, am I reading more into this analogy? Maybe. But again, it brought to light the sin of selfish neediness in my own life, and in the lives of many other Christians.
We don’t often think of neediness as a sin. But it is. And worse yet, our culture tends to excuse it. The world says someone is “just looking for love,” “needs encouragement,” or “wants to feel appreciated.” Those things, by themselves, are not wrong. God created us for relationships obviously! We all need love, friendship, and encouragement from others.
But I think that there is a very subtle difference between having needs and being ruled by neediness.
When Needs Become Self-Centered
The Bible never teaches that Christians should become emotionally detached robots who never depend on anyone. The Bible repeatedly commands believers to encourage one another, bear one another’s burdens, comfort one another, and love one another (just to name a few). Even Jesus experienced human relationships and emotion. Need I remind us how He wept over Lazarus? So, let me set the record straight here: having emotional needs is not sinful. And needing help with things isn’t sinful either. Jesus asked His disciples to assist Him many times in His ministry!
The problem arises when those needs become demands. Instead of saying, “I would appreciate it if you helped me with this or that today,” or even “would you be interested in helping me,” our sinful, needy hearts can easily say, “ I really need you to come and help me today.” Instead of enjoying relationships as gifts from God, we begin treating people as suppliers of our happiness. While in our minds we’re asking for assistance, the way we present it, through our neediness whether noticed or not, we’re actually imposing on someone else without giving them an appropriate way to accept or decline.
That is where selfish neediness quietly enters into our hearts. People turn into means to our ends, and nothing more.
The Subtlety of Neediness
We know that selfishness is placing ourselves and our wants at the center of everything, and neediness often does exactly that. Beyond asking help from someone (as with the above example), a needy heart can also constantly ask:
- Are people noticing me?
- Do they appreciate me enough?
- Why didn’t they text me?
- Why wasn’t I invited?
- Why didn’t someone talk to me today?
Notice where the focus is. The heart it consumed with itself. Ironically, people who struggle with chronic neediness often believe they are thinking very little of themselves because they feel insecure. But insecurity can actually be another form of self-centeredness. Whether someone thinks they are amazing or thinks they are terrible, they are still thinking primarily about themselves. When our emotional world revolves around whether everyone else is meeting our expectations and wants, we’ve shifted our attention away from loving others and onto serving ourselves only.
“Why hasn’t anyone reached out to me?” Well… did you reach out to anyone? Did you initiate anything with anybody? Maybe it’s just my proactive spirit, but rather than waiting around for someone to hopefully talk to me, I’ll just call or text them myself! It beats being needy all day long!
The Idol Beneath Neediness
At its core, sinful neediness often reveals an idol in our hearts. We begin asking people to provide what only God can really give us. We expect spouses to make us feel complete, friends to make us feel valuable, even social media to make us feel seen. Or what about viewing success as a way to make us feel important?
None of those people or things were ever created to carry that kind of weight for us. Whenever we ask a person to fulfill a longing that belongs to God, meaning that He only can satisfy it, we set both ourselves and that person or thing up for disappointment. Even the most faithful spouse cannot provide perfect “completeness.” Our closest friend cannot always be available to us. Success is temporary.
Whether we’re being needy in our wanting things, or asking for help, we’re setting up the world to be our personal servant, and we’re pretending it isn’t sinful because we’re masking it in insecurity, pride, or undiscovered selfishness.
So What Do We Do?
One of the clearest descriptions of biblical love appears in 1 Corinthians 13. Pastor Keith read this to me and my wife in our pre-marital counseling, and I will never forget it. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Where in that verse is there room for a needy heart and spirit? Nowhere!
Neediness often moves inward. Instead of asking, “How can I help or assist others?” we begin asking, “well…who is helping me?” Instead of noticing lonely people around us, we become consumed with our own loneliness. And yes, instead of encouraging others, we wait for someone to encourage us first.
This outlook slowly reshapes relationships, as every disappointment feels like a personal attack on us. This isn’t the love Christ demonstrated, or that Paul writes about to the Corinthian church. Jesus consistently moved toward people in service and care. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). The more we resemble Christ, and model 1 Corinthians 13, the less our lives revolve around what everyone else owes us (or what we think they owe us).
And so, we ought to grow our brotherly love towards others to help us retrain our mindset, and the ways in which we approach asking others for things; whether it be for encouragement or for a favor. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone to encourage you, I’ve done it before many times! But how and why I ask in the first place needs to be coming from a correct mindset, rooted in brotherly love.
Simply said, the gospel never plainly tells us to “stop being needy.” But from Genesis to Revelation, it is calling us to the answer: ultimate satisfaction in Jesus.
When we know we are deeply loved and valued by God, finding that complete satisfaction, we no longer have to compete for everyone’s attention. Also, I know God has given me all the time in the world to do the things that really matter, so I don’t need to impose my requests onto other people. We know our identity is secure in Christ, so we don’t need constant affirmation from outside voices.
To amend what I said earlier: instead of asking, “Who will serve me today?” we need to start asking, “Who can I serve today?” That shift changes our marriages, friendships, and most importantly, it reflects the heart of Jesus.
There is a lot of nuance in this post that I cannot obviously get into. I never want us to deny that we have real human needs, and need favors from someone. But I do hope that we refuse to let those needs or favors become selfish demands. Our greatest need has already been met in Christ, and because of that, we are free to love others the way He first loved us.
Amen.
North Bullitt Christian Church 